Blog Posts

How to have a perfectly imperfect Christmas

10/23/2024

by Heidi Scrimgeour

The secret to surviving (and actually enjoying) the festive season…

If I see one more advert or piece of editorial about how to have the perfect Christmas, I won’t be held responsible for my actions.

It’s not that I want to go all ‘Bah, Humbug!’ on you, but it’s taken me the best part of twenty years to realise that we’re being sold a lie with all this ‘perfect Christmas’ nonsense.

Why? Because, put quite simply, the notion of the perfect Christmas is as much a misnomer as the perfect wedding, the perfect birth or the perfect child. There simply is no such thing.

What there *is* … is the wedding where the father of the groom trips over the front doorstep after collecting the cake and drops it on the floor the night before the big day – which still seemed perfect, despite those wonky hastily-stuck-back-on-with-icing-sugar flowers.

What there also *is* … is a dramatically fast and scary birth with no time for much-needed pain relief, never mind filling the birthing pool for the peaceful water birth you’d been elaborately planning for nine months.

Oh, and there are also the kids you got in the lottery of life, who are no more perfect than their far-from-perfect mother, but who you wouldn’t swap for all the tea in China.

See? No such thing as perfect, no matter what Instagram tries to tell us.

And then there’s Christmas. With its financial implications, overloaded expectations and exceeded budgets. It’s no wonder Christmas is one of the most stressful periods of the year for many, and a time noted for being especially busy if you’re a divorce lawyer.

Chuck in the pressures of family life – how to decide which set of in-laws to spend the big day with, whether the kids should be allowed to open all of their presents at 5am, and the whole question of how to make Christmas magical and memorable for your little people, even though you might be dealing with grief, relationship breakdown or money worries. It’s no wonder lots of us feel more Woe-Woe-Woe than Ho-Ho-Ho about Christmas.

So, this year, I’m taking it upon myself to remind all and sundry that there is simply no such thing as the perfect Christmas, and that the secret to actually enjoying the festive season is to wholeheartedly embrace this fact.

What that means in practice is accepting that families come in all sorts of strange shapes and sizes, and that not resembling the Waltons is no grounds for having a miserable day. Christmas, like life, isn’t about trying to live up to unrealistic ideals, to which none of us will ever attain.

It’s about sharing Christmas with random relatives who’ve never once offered to host Christmas at their house; tolerating ancient aunts with funny habits; turning a blind eye to Grandpa falling asleep in the middle of the starter; and enduring parents bickering over the right way to brown a turkey. And, at the end of the day, it’s about realising that the kids, for whom every Christmas is perfect, don’t notice or indeed care about any of that stuff.

After all, the first Christmas, so the story goes, was far from perfect. No room at the inn, no crib for the baby, and surely a choice word or two exchanged between the main players about what on earth was going on.

I’m not alone in believing that the secret to the perfect Christmas is to wholeheartedly embrace the imperfect, either. I undertook comprehensive research on this topic (ok, I asked my mates on Facebook) and one friend admits she aspires to be more like a particular mum of four she knows.
Does said mum pull off the perfect Christmas? She does, in her own way. She lets each child choose their favourite foods from Iceland and puts on an all-day buffet where everyone gets to eat their favourite things and mum gets a well-earned rest. Well done, that woman.

“Not getting dressed up, eating what you really fancy – usually bacon sarnies, Christmas pudding and a box of Thornton’s chocolates – all washed down with a mug of tea, is my idea of heaven at Christmas,” admits another friend.

One pal recalls a pearl of wisdom she once heard on surviving the madness of the average family festive season. “Every family has a drunken uncle or an unhinged aunty round the table at Christmas,” she says. “If you can’t think who that person is, then it’s probably you.”

I honestly believe that the secret to your happiest Christmas yet lies in embracing these difficult truths. So do yourself a favour this year. Lower your expectations. Buy frozen Yorkshire puddings. Laugh at the lunacy of the motley crew gathered round your dinner table. And, above all, try seeing Christmas through the eyes of a child whose sense of wonder blots out the imperfections. (Unless you forget to buy batteries, and then nothing can help you.)

Children don’t see the financial pressures, the emotional strain or indeed the point in eating sprouts. They see fun, gifts, festive togetherness, and at least several days ahead of getting away with chocolate for breakfast. What’s not to love?

Don’t be afraid to rip up the rule book and do Christmas according to your own rules this year. Several friends of mine swear by going away for some quiet family togetherness at Christmas. But if you can’t get out of navigating tricky family dynamics or suffering traditions you don’t entirely fancy honouring, try embracing the imperfect anyway.

Invest time and emotional energy in the little things that can make Christmas Day truly special. One year I took a walk to the beach with my middle child, who often ends up sandwiched between the needs of his older brother and younger sister. He’d literally never seen the streets so empty, so I indulged him with an impromptu dance all the way home right down the middle of the road.

I might have had one Baileys more than was strictly necessary at that point but it’s a memory he seems to cherish, and not a year has passed since where he hasn’t begged for a rerun of our Christmas street dance routine.

It’s the little things that matter to kids. What they remember is small acts of kindness. Moments of tenderness and togetherness that cut through the rushing that we do so much of throughout the rest of the year.

Christmas, ultimately, isn’t about any of the things we get so het up about. It’s about slowing down to meet yourself. Taking time to let your loved ones know just how much they mean to you. Choosing thoughtful, inexpensive gifts that mean more than money could ever buy.
Watching Elf together for the hundredth time and still finding it funny. Eating cheese as if it’s an actual meal choice. Hanging the hand-made tree decorations that make you feel a tiny bit more teary every year, and making space for small rituals that bind you closer together as a family and remind you that who you are together and how your day unfolds is the closest thing to perfect that you will ever know.

9 things to love about autumn

8/27/2024

Heidi Scrimgeour

As the nights start drawing in and summer fades there’s no need to be downcast - here are a few things to relish and savour about this magical time of year..

Rediscovering the joy of winter woolies
Easing your tanned, summer-ready legs into a pair of cosy tights at the first sign of an autumnal cold snap can feel weird - but once you adjust your style to the changing of the seasons, it’s surprisingly easy to fall back in love with winter woolies. Think warm tights, boots made for wintry walks, leaves crunching underfoot, and the joy of finding the perfect winter coat. Bring favourite woolly hats and gloves out of hiding and, best of all, wave goodbye to bikini-body pressure. Have another slice of hot buttered toast safe in the knowledge that no-one’s going to be scrutinising your wobbly bits on a beach any time soon. So layer up and learn to love the comfy ease of your hides-a-multitude-of-sins winter wardrobe.

A soothing soak in the bath
Candles: check. Tub full to the brim of almost-too-hot water: check. Trashy magazine that you won’t mind ruining if you accidentally drop it in the water: check. Delicious, only-for-grown-ups bath oil: check. It’s probably also essential to have a lock on the door and a responsible adult to mind the kids if you want the ultimate relaxing bath experience. (Few things ruin the moment quite like having to trudge downstairs, dripping water as you go, to sort out a minor squabble.) But what better way to while away an autumnal evening than with an indulgent soak in the suds?

Cosying up beside an open fire
Nothing says ‘home’ quite like snuggling up by a crackling fire, and lighting the first fire of the autumn is a soothing, life-affirming ritual. But if that’s not an option at home then hot-foot it to the nearest country hotel or pub for Sunday lunch - you can’t beat one cooked by someone else - beside a roaring fire. Bring the papers and something to entertain the kids, and let the fireside glow work its magic on you. Forget missing the sunny days of summer - a bit of fireside therapy will soon have you feeling glorious, whatever the weather.

Soul food
Throwing a salad together and eating it outside on a balmy summer’s evening is lovely, but serving a healthy, wholesome pot of soup or stew to your brood is surely what being a mother is all about. Sort of. (Opening a gigantic tin of Heinz tomato soup is just as good, if cooking isn’t your idea of fun.) Either way, cooking warming soul food is another autumnal indulgence that almost makes up for the short evenings, chill in the air, and perilously dark mornings.

Easy-peasy bedtimes
The long lazy nights of summer are delicious, but come autumn I welcome the return of ‘proper’ twilight and nightfall because for one thing it makes the bedtime routine infinitely easier. My kids connect the nightly switching on of the streetlights with bedtime, and it’s just so much less fraught putting kids to bed once the sun has gone down, rather than trying to persuade them that they’re tired when it’s still broad daylight outside. Bedtime always seems to come too early in the summer but come the autumn cuddling up together for cosy bedtime stories feels like medicine for your mood. And if you’re lucky you’ll have the kids asleep in time for you to indulge in a beauty-boosting early night from time to time.

Halloween and Bonfire Night
Guising, fireworks, sparklers, and drinking steaming mugs of hot chocolate around a bonfire. What’s not to love? Embrace these seasonal rituals and pull out all the stops to make them fun, festive family occasions. This is the stuff that childhood memories are made of.

No more weather woes
Everyone accepts that autumn equals cold, wet and windy weather. So at last we can stop taunting ourselves by hoping for sunshine, and just embrace those cold, crisp autumnal days and chilly nights that send you scurrying indoors for a big bowl of comfort food and your favourite pyjamas. If you’re not hoping for long lazy days of endless sunshine then you can’t be disappointed. And if it does rain at this time of year it doesn’t feel like quite the insult that it does at the height of summer - it’s just the perfect excuse to don wellies and go out for a family session of singing in the rain.

Autumn leaves
If you’ve never stomped through a pile of autumn leaves with a child, I urge you to do so immediately. Few things can lift your spirits quite like a little leaf-kicking march through the woods or forest. Get on your boots and get out there. It’s even better if you play conkers afterwards, and when you’ve worked up an appetite I recommend heading home for a steaming pot of tea and a tower of toasted crumpets.

Christmas is just around the corner...
It’s not the done thing to get too excited about Christmas too early in the year but by September / October time you are totally justified in flicking through your favourite store catalogues in search of inspiration for things to ask the jolly white-bearded man to bring you. It might be too soon to start writing your Christmas cards but it’s just about the right time to make a traditional Christmas pudding, and there’s no harm in a spot of early Crimbo shopping either - as well as giving you a lovely smug glow it can also help spread the cost of Christmas before December is suddenly upon us. I don’t think it’s too soon to try out some recipes for gluhwein or mulled wine either. But if you’re still mourning for summer and just can’t get excited about Christmas, woolly socks or Bonfire Night then take comfort in the fact that spring isn’t too far off...

4 ways to spoil your kids (without turning them into brats)

6/25/2024

by Heidi Scrimgeour

No-one wants to raise a spoiled brat, but sometimes we’re all so set on NOT spoiling our kids that I think we can overlook the fact that an occasional treat - whether it’s an ice-cream before dinner or staying up past bedtime once in a while just for fun - can do wonders for a child’s sense of self-worth. Not that kids should take their value from sugary treats and late nights alone, of course, but the right kind of spoiling can help create memories that last a lifetime, too. So here are four ideas for spoiling your kids… because they’re worth it!

Have a ‘just because’ day Sometimes I feel as though I spend the majority of my time saying ‘No’ and ‘Not right now’ or ‘Maybe later’. Our lives are busy and full, so I’m not beating myself up about the fact that there’s not much room left for manoeuvre in our hectic daily schedules, but I’m planning to offset that soon by pulling out all the stops and declaring it ‘just because day’. For that one day I’ll try my best to say ‘Yes’ to every request my kids put to me - and of course they’ll suss pretty quickly that ‘Just because day’ is their one chance to cash in all their chips and ask for everything they’ve ever wanted, so to keep things manageable I’m also going to set a ground rule: you can only ask for something that benefits someone other than yourself. Cunning, eh? And to make sure it’s not all about demands and requests, the purpose of ‘Just be-cause day’ will be to spoil the kids in lots of little ways that aren’t possible in the perpetual chaos of our daily lives. We’ll grab croissants and hot chocolates for breakfast instead of healthy cereals, and spend the day doing something that makes the kids feel loved. Invariably that means anything that involves giving them our undivided attention. No surreptitious checking of work email on the phone whilst claiming to be watching them on the swings, and no distractions of any kind, digital or otherwise. Just the kids, doing something cheap and cheerful like bouncing on the trampoline in the garden or riding their bikes in the woods, and their dad and I watching every single moment.

Write them a love letter It doesn’t have to be a carefully-crafted sonnet; just something heartfelt. You only have to look at how excited children get when the Tooth Fairy has her act sufficiently together to leave a note as well as the kerching, to realise that letters make kids light up. There’s something very special about putting into words the sort of sentiment that perhaps doesn’t always get expressed in the course of every day. Writing a letter to your kids is also a lovely way of focusing your thoughts on the things you love about them, instead of, as I am guilty of sometimes over-dwelling on, the things you’re constantly trying to get them to stop doing! Pour a glass of something that helps the creative juices flow and put pen to paper on a little message that reminds your kids just how much you love them. And then - the fun bit - work out where to leave it so that the surprise of finding it will be as much of a delight as reading what’s inside.

Break all the rules Well ok, maybe just a few of them. Rules are the cornerstone of family life, or at least they are in our house. I run a pretty tight ship around here; we do homework as soon as we get in from school, we reserve sweet snacks as a strictly after-dinner thing, and we always, always eat at the kitchen table, never in front of the telly. (Sorry kids.) But don’t knock it; with an adventurous toddler and two rambunctious boys on my hands I have my work cut out for me when it comes to keeping some semblance of order, and rules are what help to keep it all ticking over. But every now and then I like to throw out the rule book. We might pop out for ice cream before dinner, let the kids stay up past bedtime to watch the stars come out, or camp in the lounge with sleeping bags. What works really well is doing this when the kids least expect it; there’s nothing quite so fun as watching their wide-eyed wonder when they realise they’re in for a treat.

Get the baby photos out This might sound a bit bonkers, but I am convinced that looking through our family photo albums at the baby pictures makes my kids feel special. I can never quite put my finger on why it gives them the warm fuzzies, but it very clearly does. I’m no child psychologist, but I guess it’s got something to do with the strength of affection conveyed in those photos, and all the stories that come pouring out when we talk about the day they were born, or the funny things they did as toddlers. My lads just love hearing about how I wished for two little boys (just like them), and they never tire of seeing pictures of my bump before they were born, or of us celebrating with family and friends in those first few hours after their arrival. I’m sure the littlest will just love getting in on the action in years to come too, with the added bonus that our boys will be able to chime in with their own ‘I remember…’ anecdotes about the day she was born. There’s no other way to say it; there’s just something really special about rehashing the details of the day a child was born, in such a way that that child starts to take in even just a little measure of how happy he made other people - just by gracing the planet with his presence. I’ve got friends - of the uber-organised sort - who’ve gone to great lengths to com-pile memory boxes and all sorts of bits of baby paraphernalia for their kids, and while I admire the efforts they’ve gone to to pass on to their kids a sense of how special they are, I also feel faintly inadequate. I don’t do that stuff; I wish I did, but I’m just not that together. I count it a good day if I manage to get everyone to school on time, get some work done, do a load of laundry AND remember to buy groceries for dinner. But, that said, a plain old fashioned photograph album works just as well for me. Ultimately, the secret to spoiling your kids (without turning them into brats) lies in working out what makes them tick, and thus what it takes to make them feel really treasured. It’ll be different for different kids, and no two families will settle on the same strategies for spoiling the kids. But that’s what makes it truly special.

5 Things we love about you, Dads!

4/27/2024

by Heidi Scrimgeour

We might never tell you this; but sometimes we go weak at the knees just watching you in action with the kids. From the way you mucked in (pun intended) with your fair share of newborn nappy duty to all the silly stuff you do to make the kids laugh, we appreciate you so much more than we might always let you know. So, in honour of upcoming Father’s Day,here are five reasons why we’re glad that you’re the Daddy…

Funny is an aphrodisiac, you know…
We love it when you lark around with the kids. Yes, we know it might not seem like that when we’re moaning at you for getting the kids all wound up right before bedtime yet again, but we’re secretly in awe of your capacity for fun. The kids adore you for it and yes, we admit it, it makes us feel sort of strange and gooey when we think about how you’re teaching our kids to laugh lots and enjoy life. Maybe you could teach us a thing or two about how you do it, sometime? Just please, not right before their bedtime…

My friend Tiffany’s husband has the silly stuff down to a fine art. “He sings and dances to all the songs from Frozen during family tea time,” she says proudly. “It’s like dinner theatre at our house every night.” Yep, that’s exactly what we’re talking about. Keep up the good work, Dads.
“I love the way the Dads I know are generally so good at being a big kid along with the kids,” agrees mother of two Sonja. “As Mums that fun stuff is something that we don’t always seem to have the time for. My daughter Annabelle even calls her dad her ‘play-area’!”

Daddy knows best (sometimes)
We admit it, as mums we don’t always make time to answer the kids’ questions or explain all the little things to them about the world that really interest them. So we love it when you take time out to get down on the children’s level with them. My friend Kate reckons her husband, Kenny, is the best dad in the world at this. “I love watching him share the pure joy of their innocence, and seeing him join in with their sense of wonder at the world,” she says.

“I love it when my partner engages our girls in stuff that wouldn’t ever cross my mind,” says mum of two, Gemma. “Like science experiments in the shower, spotting the phase of the moon, and working out how stuff works.”

Being a great role model
All kids need role models, and there’s nothing quite as heart-warming for a mum as the knowledge that their kids have a father figure worth looking up to. We know you’re not perfect, but all the stuff you do to set an example to our kids really means the world to us. You might think you’re ‘just being a dad’ but we think you’re going the extra mile, and that matters.

My friend Rachel split from her little boy’s father and met her new partner when her son was just two. They’re now the best of friends, and she loves the wholehearted way her new hubby has taken on the step-dad role. “The best bit about their relationship is the unwavering support he shows my son; emotionally but also when it comes to discipline, plus being a role model and the all-important business of helping to keep him fed, clothed, warm and happy.”

Teaching the kids to gang up against Mum
Let’s get one thing straight, we are NEVER going to admit this to you in front of the kids, but you know those times when you roll your eyes in our direction with the kids, or gently encourage them to gang up with you against us? We might act exasperated but secretly? We love it.

My friend Estelle has three kids, and points out that being a great dad isn’t always about a biological role. “My partner Shane is a wonderful stepdad, and regularly spends more quality time with my youngest than I do these days,” she says. “He’s the one tucking her in - which usually means larking around doing puppet shows with the soft toys - and they definitely get together to gang up on me sometimes. And yes, I love it. Sometimes the biological link can be much less important than the love and care that good dads lavish on their kids.”

Lightening the load
From pulling your weight with night feeds to taking the kids to the park so that we can go for a long, luxurious soak in the bath alone, we love you for all the ways you offer your support to us, as well.

Mum of two, Gail says her husband was a wonder when their kids were little. Not only did he regularly take their boys off on fishing trips or to the park to play football so that Gail could have a breather, but he showed “endless patience” with their kids too, she says. We might not always acknowledge that you’ve got those kind of qualities by the bucketload - which we might lack - but we do notice it, and we think you deserve more credit.

But my friend Hazel, who has two little girls, reckons she’s married to the best dad in the world. When I quizzed her as to exactly what he gets right and how other fathers could seek to replicate his winning ways, she trotted out a list of things he does, from cooking for the kids and taking the trouble to notice what they really like to eat, to making them beds and swings from scratch and teaching them how the garden works.

“What’s funny is that it’s actually difficult to think of ALL the things he does that make him such a brilliant dad, because there are so many that I sort of take it for granted and think he’s just an ordinary dad,” she says. “But actually, that in itself speaks volumes and shows what an extraordinary father he is to our girls.”

Which got me thinking; the secret to being a brilliant Dad is never going to be a one-size-fits-all-formula. What makes you amazing is all the little things you do for our kids and to help nurture and protect our family. No-one else can do that better.

Why spending more time on your needs, rather than your children’s, can make you a better parent

2/29/2024

by Louis Weinstock

I'm sure you’ve already read many articles about how our young people are becoming ever more narcissistic. ‘Generation Me’, as psychologist Jean Twenge calls it, are apparently more entitled and more obsessed than ever with image than previous generations. And there is some good research to back up this claim.

The word ‘narcissist’ comes from the ancient Greek myth of Narcissus. He was a handsome boy who fell in love with his own reflection and got sent to the underworld. The lesser known side-kick of this story is the nymph Echo, who falls in love with Narcissus but has no voice of her own and can only repeat what Narcissus says. If our children are growing up more narcissistic, then it is we parents who are becoming like Echo, losing our own voice and losing touch with our own needs.

As parents, if we can spend a little more time on our own needs, rather than our children’s, it makes us better parents. What a paradoxical thought! Hear me out. In researching my book - How The World Is Making Our Children Mad, And What To Do About It - I interviewed David Lancy, an anthropologist of childhood. He told me of other cultures where parents do not focus on their children in the same way we tend to in the West. For example, in rural Liberia, Kpelle mothers carry their babies on their back most of the day while they work and socialise but they hardly pay them any attention. Meanwhile, children in Fiji from as young as four are expected to bow very low and avoid eye contact when passing an adult and may get a clip round the ear if they don’t show enough respect. In contrast, Lancy calls modern Western cultures ‘neontocracies’, where we plough so much of our time, energy and resources into our children, leaving parents as Echo and the elderly getting a particularly rough deal (off to the care home for you).

When I learned from Lancy about the different type of attention some children got in other cultures, the almost obsessive energy and attention we pour into our children in the modern Western world suddenly seemed strange, laughable even. Hearing about these other ways of parenting, I felt as if someone had taken my heavy sack of parental guilt, laid it down by the side of the road and said to me: ‘It’s OK, Louis. You can focus on you without feeling guilty.’

Now, it’s really important to say that the mothers I learned about in other cultures did not completely ignore their children. They were still responsive to them, fed them on demand and kept them in close physical contact (‘skinship’). But, importantly, their lives didn’t bend to the every whim of their children. This is not to say that some of the popular parenting models in the West, such as attachment parenting, have got it all wrong. If we want our children to develop a secure attachment, we need to be warm and responsive. But there is a clear risk that in spending so much energy on our children, we are creating an expectation that the world revolves around them, when in fact, the world is not designed to perfectly meet our children’s every need.

When we raise children who have too much of a sense of being special, at some point their sense of specialness comes into contact with the real world. In my primary school, I was really good at swimming. I easily won the breaststroke races. I thought I was the bomb – Michael Phelps in disguise. But then I went to a much bigger secondary school and there was a boy who was miles better than me. B*****d. For a while, that really dented my pride. In my practice, I often see children who’ve developed quite bad mental health issues after the transition to secondary school. They aren’t prepared for becoming a smaller fish in a bigger pond.

Now, let’s extend this reality to a very big pond – the world of social media. Here, a child comes into contact with billions of other potentially ‘special’ people. And this contact reveals a   fundamental and painful truth: 99.9 per cent of the time there is no special treatment awaiting them.

A self-image based too much on specialness is fundamentally fragile. We need to prepare our children for a world where the spotlight simply won’t be on them all the time. And even when it is, spotlights can burn and blind; pop stars are up to seven times more likely than the general public to commit suicide.

And there is a more obvious point here. When parents don’t take care of themselves, they burn out, losing the energy required to be a good parents. An article in the Atlantic, called ‘The Perils of Attachment Parenting’, put it like this: ‘When parents begin a pattern of meeting their child’s every need at the expense of their own, it sticks. It’s hard to pop out of that mindset when your six-year-old wants another cup of milk even though you’ve just sat down for dinner or when your 10-year-old is eager to add yet another activity to his schedule that would require you to drive across town at rush hour.’

If you want your children to grow a capacity for care and compassion for themselves and others, first you must fill up your own cup. This is self- compassion – when we treat ourselves the same way we would treat a beloved friend. This may sound obvious. But how consistently do you do it? I am here to give you extra permission and encouragement.

Buddha once said that you could search the whole world and not find anyone more deserving of your love and compassion than yourself. Let that sink in for a moment. A 2020 review of self-compassion for parents showed that it consistently reduces depression, anxiety and stress in parents. A recent study of over 900 Dutch families showed that parents with less self-blame had teenagers with fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety.

It is not always as easy as just deciding to focus more on our own needs. Sometimes, parents have grown up in environments when focusing on other people’s needs was the way they kept safe. But with practice, anyone can learn to break these patterns. Just choose one small way today that you can take better care of your own needs, and keep building from there, one small self-caring step at a time, loving nursing Echo’s voice back.

New year, same me

1/3/2024

By Gavin Oattes

TWENTY TWENTY FOUR! TWO THOUSAND AND ACTUAL TWENTY FOUR.
It feels like the future. I still remember when we all sang about meeting up in the year 2000! My 12 year old daughter thinks of the 2000s the same way I thought of the 1970s, and the 1970s the way I thought of the 1940s. According to the movies I watched growing up, we should have flying cars by now.

2024 though! Of course, it’s only appropriate that I wish you all a very Happy New Year…whatever that even means these days?! Happiness is such a strange and broad topic. I think I’d probably rather wish you good health and peace of mind.

With the nature of my business and my books, at this time of year I am always asked about my new year resolutions. It’s assumed that I partake in a gigantic goal setting exercise that will inspire me for the months ahead. New year = New you, right?

Nope!

I used to be right into this thinking. I took it mega seriously. I would stand there at midnight, fire in my belly, firmly believing this was going to be my year. This was going to be the year it all happens, fame and fortune await!

It never really was my year though. Because that’s not how life goes. Every year is just a big loop of ups, downs, magic, sadness, happiness, frustration, wins, losses, good, bad, and good again.
By the time you read this, most resolutions set will now be well and truly unset! Only about 16% of people succeed with their new year’s resolutions. 16!

Why is that?

Perhaps it’s pressure? Obligation? A bit of the old bandwagon going on? Maybe people are scared? Worried about other’s opinions? Some fear of failure, or even success? Maybe we got a wee bit excited and set the bar too high? Maybe we don’t value our health as much as we should? Maybe we don’t really know why we’re doing it?

But here’s the interesting thing…
You are more likely to achieve your goal if you make it about what you want to achieve today.
Instead of planning for how you want to feel in a year, or five years, plan for how you want to feel now.

Don’t Wait
We are forever asked questions such as: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What do you want to have achieved in life by the time you retire? It’s all very future focussed.

The challenge with the 5 years/10 years type of questioning is that ‘you’ 5/10 years from now will be a very different ‘you’ to right now. It’s hard to guess what will make us happy in 10 years, but I’m willing to bet though you know what would make you happy right now.

Traditional goal setting is all about the future. Set a huge goal and break it down into manageable chunks. Start at the begging and then lay it all out step by step, blah blah blah.

Goal setting can be extremely beneficial, but it can suck the joy out of the journey to the thing that’s meant to make us happy and fulfilled.

The best example of this for me is my time doing comedy. Rather than enjoying the present, I was becoming too wrapped up in what’s next. In ‘making it’. What’s bigger? What’s better?

Would I rather be on that stage, giving it my all, completely and utterly in the moment, feeling great and not get a 5 star review? Or, be so laser-focused on getting a 5 star review that I lose sight of everything else, stressing myself in the process and not enjoy the performance at all?

Now when I’m on stage, my goal is simple; give it my best on that day and come off stage feeling good enough to want to do it all again tomorrow.

Too many of us spend our days feeling discouraged, tired or unmotivated from chasing an endless stream of goals that seem a long way away, so maybe it’s time to re-examine the order of things. Or more so, our timescales.

So, let me tell you about reverse goal setting, why it’s great and more importantly, how we do it.
This is about gaining a different perspective. Flipping the traditional on its head and seeing things through a slightly different lens. Reverse goal setting is less about ‘making it’ in the old school sense and more about working out a path for yourself that is actually fulfilling, right now.

Simply ask yourself 3 questions.
1.   What do I want to feel right now?
2.   What activity can I do right now to give me that feeling?
3.   If I do this activity regularly, what results would it create?

Let me give you an example. You might say right now, “I want to feel healthier”. Ok, what activity allows you to do that? A 30 minute walk outdoors always leaves us feeling better both mentally and physically. So, today, have a 30 minute walk round the block.

If you did this every day for 6 weeks, what sort of result would that create? It would create a healthier, happier you right from the off! So, if you want to be a healthier, happier you, then commit to do something that builds momentum. Before you know it, a 30 minute walk might turn into a 60 minute walk. It might even turn into a run…

Here’s another example. You might say, “I want to feel more relaxed”. Magic! Today, what activity could make you feel relaxed? You might say, “15 minutes of mindfulness makes me feel relaxed, every time I do it, it chills me out a little.” Awesome.

So, if you do 15 minutes of mindfulness every day for the rest of your life, what sort of results would that create? There’s going to be a far less stressed you walking about and who knows, you might just become a mindfulness master in the process!

Don’t wait to truly start living. You can feel the way you want to feel today. No more constant chasing, wishing and hoping for stuff that feels like a lifetime away. Right now, choose the feelings you want to feel, find the activities that give you these feelings and do them.
That’s it. 3 simple steps. Boom!

The Power of Audio Stories: Boosting Children's Literacy and Imagination

11/6/2023

The Power of Audio Stories: Boosting Children's Literacy and Imagination
From timeless tales of adventure to heartwarming bedtime stories, literature has been an essential part of a child's upbringing for generations. But in today's digital age, where screens dominate, the way children engage with stories is evolving. One remarkable evolution is the rise of audio stories, and they come bearing a treasure trove of benefits for young minds. According to research by the National Literacy Trust, listening to audio stories can significantly enhance children's literacy skills, and Voxblock, the screen-free audio player, has been leading the way in this literary revolution.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

10/29/2023

By Heidi Scrimgeour

Say sorry or we’re going home right now,’ I hissed, my cheeks turning redder with every awkward second that ticked by.

Predictably, silence followed. You can guess what happened next. Not five minutes into our much-anticipated day out at the park with friends, I was marching my three year old home on account of his stubborn refusal to apologise for repeatedly snatching his friend’s beloved toy.

10 Rules of parenting

4/27/2023

by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting brings together over 100 Rules for bringing up happy, confident children. Not instructions but guidelines, based on observations of what actually works. Fans of the book were recently asked to vote for their top 10, so here’s a preview of those Rules that parents who have read the book swear by most…

Movie Role Models

2/28/2023

Movies are a fantastic way to keep children entertained, but from as early as 19 months, kids can begin to copy what they see in others, which is why it’s crucial that caregivers expose them to positive content. Here we look at seven classic and modern film characters who serve as fantastic role models for kids. Grab the snacks and kids’ pyjamas because you’ll want a movie marathon after this!

1. Riley (Inside Out)
Inside Out first premiered in 2015 and follows the life of Riley, an 11-year-old who is forced to embrace a new life in San Francisco after leaving everything she knows behind in Minnesota. Her actions are controlled by her five core emotions: Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust, and Anger.
Riley’s character is a great role model for kids because she demonstrates resilience; she goes through a huge life change and is forced to learn how to deal with the consequences of this. The role her emotions play teaches children that it’s OK not to feel joy all the time and that all feelings need to be embraced.

2. Charlie (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory)
Nobody inspires children quite like Charlie Bucket! Created by British novelist Roald Dahl, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was originally published in 1964 before being adapted for the screen – first in 1971 and then again in 2005. Viewers can join Charlie, a sweet little boy caught up in a life of poverty, on a highly anticipated tour of the famous Wonka Factory.
Charlie is an incredible role model to little ones because he demonstrates kindness, patience, and optimism despite the awful challenges life continues to throw at him. His grandparents are bedridden, there’s never enough food to go around, and he’s forced to sleep on the floor. For many, this type of life would turn us bitter and cynical, regardless of age, but Charlie never loses positivity.

3. Mirabel (Encanto)
This 2021 film was both a commercial and critical success, earning over £200 million at the box office and receiving widespread critical acclaim. Encanto itself boasts several impressive features, but it’s the characters who captivate the audience the most – specifically, Mirabel.
Your children can look up to Mirabel, the film’s protagonist, because she’s determined, forgiving, and very family-orientated despite feeling like an outsider. When danger is brought upon the family miracle, Mirabel – who received no magical powers like the other Madrigals – risks everything to protect it.

4. Po (Kung Fu Panda)
Although Po is a panda, he still represents everything that’s good in somebody, and your child should be encouraged to adopt Po’s most endearing qualities. Despite his clumsiness and the fact that the wider kung fu community (initially) refuses to accept him, his unwavering enthusiasm helps him persevere.
Po shows us that it’s perfectly fine to do things a little differently and can be seen to encourage young children to find their own way in the world. He was presented with challenges at first, but in the end, he fulfils his destiny and becomes a true hero.

5. Luna Lovegood (Harry Potter)
If you want your little one to grow up brave, independent, and with a strong sense of self, you should expose them to Luna Lovegood’s character in the Harry Potter film series. This wonderful character doesn’t appear until the fifth instalment of the franchise (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, released in 2007), but a Harry Potter marathon is never a bad idea.
Luna is proud to be different, and she doesn’t let anyone else’s opinions or judgements get in the way of being her true, authentic self. Sure, she’s seen as a little weird and quirky (‘Loony Luna’), but she refuses to apologise, nor does she try to change herself to fit into society’s expectations.

6. Matilda (Matilda)
Another work of art from Roald Dahl, Matilda is a timeless classic that can still delight its audience 26 years after its premiere. The character of Matilda is a remarkable idol that all children should aspire to be like. Although she spends her entire young life being neglected by her awful mother and father, Zinnia and Harry Wormwood, she retaliates against the abuse and works hard to create a new, happier life for herself.
Matilda takes charge of her education, reading countless books despite her family’s relentless taunts and lack of effort to understand, and then demands she be sent to a real school to further her learning. She is strong, determined, and teaches young people that it’s never okay to be bullied and manipulated.

7. Peter Parker (Spider-Man)
Is there anyone more inspiring than a superhero? Spider-Man was first introduced to the world in 1962 as a comic-book character, and since then has been the main character in nine different films. Both Spider-Man and Peter Parker (the young man who becomes the superhero after receiving a bite from a radioactive spider) are striking role models for kids.
Peter Parker is a true hero because he continuously sacrifices his own well-being for the greater good of the community. As superheroes typically do, Spider-Man teaches young children to be brave and selfless, and that it’s okay to struggle under tremendous responsibilities. What matters is that you try your best. ν

Feature source: Cath Kidston https://www.cathkidston.com

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How to have a perfectly imperfect Christmas

9 things to love about autumn

Heidi Scrimgeour

As the nights start drawing in and summer fades there’s no need to be downcast - here are a few things to relish and savour about this magical time of year..

4 ways to spoil your kids (without turning them into brats)

by Heidi Scrimgeour

5 Things we love about you, Dads!

Why spending more time on your needs, rather than your children’s, can make you a better parent

New year, same me

The Power of Audio Stories: Boosting Children's Literacy and Imagination

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

10 Rules of parenting

by Richard Templar

Movie Role Models

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