By Heidi Scrimgeour

W hat’s the one thing most parents wish they did less of? Inadvertently stepping on Lego in bare feet would probably feature in the top three things we wish we did less of, but I’m going to wager that being ratty and impatient with the kids takes top spot. Even if you’re blessed with a peaceable disposition which means you’re not prone to over-extending your vocal chords, I bet you’d still agree that you could do with more laughter and less conflict in the course of everyday family life. Who wouldn’t want to shout less and laugh more? So, instead of beating yourself up for being a yeller, try these tips for toning down the fishwife act and cranking up the cracking up…

Pick your battles
If I had to choose a single mantra for whenever the parenting path seems all uphill, this is it.  I can’t remember who first shared this pearl of parental wisdom with me, but it has profoundly affected my whole approach to family life ever since. It simply means there are some areas of family life which are inevitably going to be a battle-ground, but I don’t have to don full military armour and wade in all-guns-blazing every single time I encounter one of them. So I no longer waste energy arguing with the children about every tiny thing that we might disagree on. If I did, I’d have no time or energy left for anything else.  Here’s an example; every time my ten year old tries to skip the tooth-brushing part of his daily routine, I feel justified in reading him the riot act. Tidying his room, on the other hand, doesn’t have an impact on his health (not yet, anyway) and isn’t significantly inconveniencing other members of the family. So it’s one battle I’ve stopped fighting. We’ve reached a compromise whereby I don’t nag him about his room every day, and he gives it a decent once-over every few weeks just to ensure that he isn’t inadvertently harbouring the 21st century’s answer to penicillin.   Consequently - and here’s proof that picking your battles can make family life more harmonious - his room is actually tidier now than it ever was when I used to yell about it several times a week, and we don’t have humdingers over it anymore. I suspect he feels more respected as a result, and when we hunker down for a bedtime chat we invariably end up enjoying a precious moment of connectedness, instead of another row about his bedroom.

Minimise distractions
I’m talking about the things that distract you - not the things that occupy your child’s attention. There’s must no denying that I shout more when I’m distracted. It makes little difference whether I’m inwardly panicking about work whilst homeschooling, or scrolling through social media while the kids are playing - whenever I’m in the company of my kids but have my mind elsewhere, I am always tetchier, less patient and more prone to snapping. So for me, minimising distractions when I’m in parent-mode is a sure-fire way to minimise conflict and up the fun-factor. You only have to watch a child whose parent is distracted to see that kids know when they’re not the centre of attention, and seem hard-wired to rectify the situation - by any means necessary. I’m not saying that every waking moment you spend with your child requires you to make them the sole focus of your attention. That’s neither practical nor beneficial, but many of us live such perpetually distracted lives that it can be difficult to recognise or admit that our kids aren’t getting the attention they need from us. So for a set period of time per day, try ensuring that you’re available to your child with no distractions. I can practically guarantee that even a short space of time together in your day during which your child doesn’t have to compete with anything else for your attention, will significantly extend your patience.

Say sorry when you get it wrong
The feeling I hate most in the world is the one that descends after I lose my patience with my kids and end up barking at them. Nothing leaves you feeling quite so racked with guilt or consumed with remorse as that moment when the kids have gone to school or fallen asleep, leaving you to ruminate on where the school run or bedtime routine went wrong, and what you should have said or done differently. But I’ve had enough moments like that over the past ten years to know that the best response is to apologise. Be quick to say sorry when you end up in a bout of bad-tempered shouting, and your kids will likely admit to their own shortcomings more quickly in future, too. And while I dread to think how many times I’ve ended up hollering at my kids, I’m marginally cheered up to think that they’ve also  experienced, more times than I can count, the power of a heart-felt apology and the comfort that can be found in making amends.

Resource yourself for family life
The aeroplane oxygen mask analogy is a well-worn cliche of parenthood which you’ve no doubt heard countless times. In the event of an emergency, passengers on an aircraft are advised to apply their own oxygen masks before attending to those of their children, on the basis that you can’t help your child if you’re unconscious, and the same theory applies to parenthood. Self-care is the number one thing that improves my parenting skills. Try it: make time every single day for something that energises you. Whether it’s yoga, a run or a candle-lit soak in the bath; resourcing yourself properly for the demands of family life extends your capacity for all that it demands of you.  It’s completely counter-intuitive, because taking time for ourselves feels selfish, but I’d go so far as to say that it’s actually one of the very best things you can do for your children. (Which is why, as soon as I’ve finished this, I’ll be lazing on the sofa with a tub of ice cream instead of folding laundry. I’ve got my kids’ best interests at heart, see…)

The funny bone is your greatest weapon
Above all else, remember that no matter the age of your child or the cause of conflict between you, humour has the capacity to diffuse almost any confrontation. It won’t magic away whatever’s making you feel like shouting, but if you can make your child laugh in the midst of a moment of family mayhem, you’re halfway towards a truce. I’m no scientist but I am convinced that some kind of alchemy happens when we make our kids laugh in the very moment that they make us feel like crying. So the next time you find your tone of voice rising along with your blood pressure, try getting a laugh out of your kid. As well as diffusing tension, I can give it to you on good authority that it’s practically impossible to stay cross with someone when they’re laughing uproariously. 

By Gavin Oates

In a world often obsessed with rules, sophistication and perfection, sometimes it’s the simplest moments that resonate the most. And I love it when something so magically human happens that it cuts through the nonsense of the very rules, sophistication and perfection we are taught to buy into.

There aren’t many worlds more layered with rules, sophistication and perfection than the world of classical music. Let me tell you the true story of an unforgettable evening at Boston’s Symphony Hall in 2019, where a single word - just three letters - reminded everyone of these raw human moments.

Now, I wasn’t there, but when I watched the YouTube video, the hairs on the back of my neck stood. My first thought was ‘Yes! This is going in the new book, but I can’t wait that long so it’s going in MADE Magazine first.’

I don’t claim to be an expert when it comes to classical music, but my understanding is this was a typical night for the Handel and Haydn Society, known for their exquisite performances of classical masterpieces. The audience, a mix of seasoned music lovers and curious newcomers, settled into their seats, ready to be enveloped by the sound of Mozart’s Masonic Funeral Music. The orchestra played with precision, the notes carrying a sombre beauty that held the entire hall in silent reverence.

And then, just as the final note faded into silence, something extraordinary happened. From somewhere in the audience, a young voice broke through the quiet with a single word: “Wow.”

And it’s a proper good ‘Wow’ too. A heartfelt, wonderous ‘WOOOOOOOW’. 

The voice belonged to 9-year-old Ronan Mattin, a boy who is largely non-verbal and has autism. Ronan was attending the concert with his grandfather, Stephen, who immediately felt a twinge of concern. Had Ronan’s innocent outburst disrupted the performance? What would the audience think?

But instead of discomfort or irritation that one might (wrongly) expect, Ronan’s ‘WOOOOOOOW’ was met with smiles, nods, and even a few tears. The musicians on stage paused, touched by the pure, spontaneous reaction. David Snead, the president of the Handel and Haydn Society, was moved by the moment, recognising it as something truly special.

Ronan’s “wow” wasn’t just a reaction, it was an expression of something deeper; pure wonder. In that moment, he captured the essence of what music is meant to do. 

In fact, scrap that, Ronan reminds us of what life is meant to do: move us, inspire us, and remind us of the beauty in the world. It wasn’t rehearsed or polished, it was raw and real. It was the kind of moment that doesn’t just happen, it emerges from a place of genuine connection. 

The wee guy felt it.

And that’s the magic of moments. Glimmer moments. They remind us to pause, to feel, and to appreciate the magic around us. Whether it’s a piece of music, a breathtaking view, or a simple act of kindness, these moments have the power to cut through the noise of everyday life and bring us back to what truly matters. It’s not about perfection or protocol, it’s about connection, emotion, and those rare instances when something truly moves us.

We don’t need to be experts to appreciate the beauty of life, sometimes, all it takes is a little bit of wonder and a willingness to be moved.

A glimmer is essentially the opposite of a trigger. Whether it’s the sound of a siren, seeing an old photo, or smelling a particular food, our minds can quickly associate these cues with either negative or positive emotions. Triggers are cues that signal to our brain that we are in danger, whereas glimmers are cues that signal safety, granting us permission to let go.

According to Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, the nervous system plays a pivotal role in shaping our individual emotional and behavioural responses to our surroundings. Central to this regulation is something known as the Vagus Nerve, which modulates our heart rate. 

Just as the body combats illness, the nervous system possesses the capability to ward off negative emotions by activating the Ventral Vagus. A glimmer is effectively a brief moment of engagement with the Ventral Vagus, highlighting the body’s innate capacity for emotional regulation.

As humans we are incredible. Without even knowing it, we’re like the conductor of our own emotional orchestra, conducting a symphony of feelings! 

According to The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy by Deb Dana, in our overstimulated world, these lovely, warming, contented moments are not just pleasant and comforting, but they may actually be the answer to regulating our overwhelmed nervous systems. Get it right and we’re no longer in the school band, we’re in the Handel and Haydn Society!

There are people we meet in life that make everything seem magical. Whether you meet them in real life, or in books, or online…cherish them.

To Ronin Mattin, big thanks for the reminder little man. 

Gavin Oattes is an international keynote speaker and bestselling author.
Find out more at www.gavinoattes.com. His books are available in all good bookstores and on Amazon via
www.amazon.co.uk

Heidi Scrimgeour

As the nights start drawing in and summer fades there’s no need to be downcast - here are a few things to relish and savour about this magical time of year..

Rediscovering the joy of winter woolies 
Easing your tanned, summer-ready legs into a pair of cosy tights at the first sign of an autumnal cold snap can feel weird - but once you adjust your style to the changing of the seasons, it’s surprisingly easy to fall back in love with winter woolies. Think warm tights, boots made for wintry walks, leaves crunching underfoot, and the joy of finding the perfect winter coat. Bring favourite woolly hats and gloves out of hiding and, best of all, wave goodbye to bikini-body pressure.  Have another slice of hot buttered toast safe in the knowledge that no-one’s going to be scrutinising your wobbly bits on a beach any time soon. So layer up and learn to love the comfy ease of your hides-a-multitude-of-sins winter wardrobe.

A soothing soak in the bath
Candles: check. Tub full to the brim of almost-too-hot water: check. Trashy magazine that you won’t mind ruining if you accidentally drop it in the water: check. Delicious, only-for-grown-ups bath oil: check. It’s probably also essential to have a lock on the door and a responsible adult to mind the kids if you want the ultimate relaxing bath experience. (Few things ruin the moment quite like having to trudge downstairs, dripping water as you go, to sort out a minor squabble.) But what better way to while away an autumnal evening than with an indulgent soak in the suds? 

Cosying up beside an open fire
Nothing says ‘home’ quite like snuggling up by a crackling fire, and lighting the first fire of the autumn is a soothing, life-affirming ritual. But if that’s not an option at home then hot-foot it to the nearest country hotel or pub for Sunday lunch - you can’t beat one cooked by someone else - beside a roaring fire. Bring the papers and something to entertain the kids, and let the fireside glow work its magic on you. Forget missing the sunny days of summer - a bit of fireside therapy will soon have you feeling glorious, whatever the weather.

Soul food
Throwing a salad together and eating it outside on a balmy summer’s evening is lovely, but serving a healthy, wholesome pot of soup or stew to your brood is surely what being a mother is all about. Sort of. (Opening a gigantic tin of Heinz tomato soup is just as good, if cooking isn’t your idea of fun.) Either way, cooking warming soul food is another autumnal indulgence that almost makes up for the short evenings, chill in the air, and perilously dark mornings.

Easy-peasy bedtimes
The long lazy nights of summer are delicious, but come autumn I welcome the return of ‘proper’ twilight and nightfall because for one thing it makes the bedtime routine infinitely easier. My kids connect the nightly switching on of the streetlights with bedtime, and it’s just so much less fraught putting kids to bed once the sun has gone down, rather than trying to persuade them that they’re tired when it’s still broad daylight outside. Bedtime always seems to come too early in the summer but come the autumn cuddling up together for cosy bedtime stories feels like medicine for your mood. And if you’re lucky you’ll have the kids asleep in time for you to indulge in a beauty-boosting early night from time to time.

Halloween and Bonfire Night
Guising, fireworks, sparklers, and drinking steaming mugs of hot chocolate around a bonfire. What’s not to love? Embrace these seasonal rituals and pull out all the stops to make them fun, festive family occasions. This is the stuff that childhood memories are made of.

No more weather woes
Everyone accepts that autumn equals cold, wet and windy weather. So at last we can stop taunting ourselves by hoping for sunshine, and just embrace those cold, crisp autumnal days and chilly nights that send you scurrying indoors for a big bowl of comfort food and your favourite pyjamas. If you’re not hoping for long lazy days of endless sunshine then you can’t be disappointed. And if it does rain at this time of year it doesn’t feel like quite the insult that it does at the height of summer - it’s just the perfect excuse to don wellies and go out for a family session of singing in the rain. 

Autumn leaves
If you’ve never stomped through a pile of autumn leaves with a child, I urge you to do so immediately. Few things can lift your spirits quite like a little leaf-kicking march through the woods or forest. Get on your boots and get out there. It’s even better if you play conkers afterwards, and when you’ve worked up an appetite I recommend heading home for a steaming pot of tea and a tower of toasted crumpets.

Christmas is just around the corner...
It’s not the done thing to get too excited about Christmas too early in the year but by September / October time you are totally justified in flicking through your favourite store catalogues in search of inspiration for things to ask the jolly white-bearded man to bring you. It might be too soon to start writing your Christmas cards but it’s just about the right time to make a traditional Christmas pudding, and there’s no harm in a spot of early Crimbo shopping either - as well as giving you a lovely smug glow it can also help spread the cost of Christmas before December is suddenly upon us. I don’t think it’s too soon to try out some recipes for gluhwein or mulled wine either. But if you’re still mourning for summer and just can’t get excited about Christmas, woolly socks or Bonfire Night then take comfort in the fact that spring isn’t too far off... 

by Heidi Scrimgeour

No-one wants to raise a spoiled brat, but sometimes we’re all so set on NOT spoiling our kids that I think we can overlook the fact that an occasional treat - whether it’s an ice-cream before dinner or staying up past bedtime once in a while just for fun - can do wonders for a child’s sense of self-worth. Not that kids should take their value from sugary treats and late nights alone, of course, but the right kind of spoiling can help create memories that last a lifetime, too. So here are four ideas for spoiling your kids… because they’re worth it!

Have a ‘just because’ day Sometimes I feel as though I spend the majority of my time saying ‘No’ and ‘Not right now’ or ‘Maybe later’. Our lives are busy and full, so I’m not beating myself up about the fact that there’s not much room left for manoeuvre in our hectic daily schedules, but I’m planning to offset that soon by pulling out all the stops and declaring it ‘just because day’. For that one day I’ll try my best to say ‘Yes’ to every request my kids put to me - and of course they’ll suss pretty quickly that ‘Just because day’ is their one chance to cash in all their chips and ask for everything they’ve ever wanted, so to keep things manageable I’m also going to set a ground rule: you can only ask for something that benefits someone other than yourself. Cunning, eh? And to make sure it’s not all about demands and requests, the purpose of ‘Just be-cause day’ will be to spoil the kids in lots of little ways that aren’t possible in the perpetual chaos of our daily lives. We’ll grab croissants and hot chocolates for breakfast instead of healthy cereals, and spend the day doing something that makes the kids feel loved. Invariably that means anything that involves giving them our undivided attention. No surreptitious checking of work email on the phone whilst claiming to be watching them on the swings, and no distractions of any kind, digital or otherwise. Just the kids, doing something cheap and cheerful like bouncing on the trampoline in the garden or riding their bikes in the woods, and their dad and I watching every single moment.

Write them a love letter It doesn’t have to be a carefully-crafted sonnet; just something heartfelt. You only have to look at how excited children get when the Tooth Fairy has her act sufficiently together to leave a note as well as the kerching, to realise that letters make kids light up. There’s something very special about putting into words the sort of sentiment that perhaps doesn’t always get expressed in the course of every day. Writing a letter to your kids is also a lovely way of focusing your thoughts on the things you love about them, instead of, as I am guilty of sometimes over-dwelling on, the things you’re constantly trying to get them to stop doing! Pour a glass of something that helps the creative juices flow and put pen to paper on a little message that reminds your kids just how much you love them. And then - the fun bit - work out where to leave it so that the surprise of finding it will be as much of a delight as reading what’s inside.

Break all the rules Well ok, maybe just a few of them. Rules are the cornerstone of family life, or at least they are in our house. I run a pretty tight ship around here; we do homework as soon as we get in from school, we reserve sweet snacks as a strictly after-dinner thing, and we always, always eat at the kitchen table, never in front of the telly. (Sorry kids.) But don’t knock it; with an adventurous toddler and two rambunctious boys on my hands I have my work cut out for me when it comes to keeping some semblance of order, and rules are what help to keep it all ticking over. But every now and then I like to throw out the rule book. We might pop out for ice cream before dinner, let the kids stay up past bedtime to watch the stars come out, or camp in the lounge with sleeping bags. What works really well is doing this when the kids least expect it; there’s nothing quite so fun as watching their wide-eyed wonder when they realise they’re in for a treat.

Get the baby photos out This might sound a bit bonkers, but I am convinced that looking through our family photo albums at the baby pictures makes my kids feel special. I can never quite put my finger on why it gives them the warm fuzzies, but it very clearly does. I’m no child psychologist, but I guess it’s got something to do with the strength of affection conveyed in those photos, and all the stories that come pouring out when we talk about the day they were born, or the funny things they did as toddlers. My lads just love hearing about how I wished for two little boys (just like them), and they never tire of seeing pictures of my bump before they were born, or of us celebrating with family and friends in those first few hours after their arrival. I’m sure the littlest will just love getting in on the action in years to come too, with the added bonus that our boys will be able to chime in with their own ‘I remember…’ anecdotes about the day she was born. There’s no other way to say it; there’s just something really special about rehashing the details of the day a child was born, in such a way that that child starts to take in even just a little measure of how happy he made other people - just by gracing the planet with his presence. I’ve got friends - of the uber-organised sort - who’ve gone to great lengths to com-pile memory boxes and all sorts of bits of baby paraphernalia for their kids, and while I admire the efforts they’ve gone to to pass on to their kids a sense of how special they are, I also feel faintly inadequate. I don’t do that stuff; I wish I did, but I’m just not that together. I count it a good day if I manage to get everyone to school on time, get some work done, do a load of laundry AND remember to buy groceries for dinner. But, that said, a plain old fashioned photograph album works just as well for me. Ultimately, the secret to spoiling your kids (without turning them into brats) lies in working out what makes them tick, and thus what it takes to make them feel really treasured. It’ll be different for different kids, and no two families will settle on the same strategies for spoiling the kids. But that’s what makes it truly special.