The Lonely Mum in Edinburgh

By Claudia Esnouf

When my children were very small, my husband was offered a new job opportunity and we decided to pack up our home and move countries. We said good-bye to our ante-natal groups, book clubs, old friends. They say, ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ – and we hugged our own one goodbye. 

My husband worked hard, and I spent many a lonely day in our new, half-unpacked flat, with a newborn and a toddler that depended on me. The friends who would have come knocking – the ones who I wasn’t embarrassed to show an overflowing nappy bin, a kitchen covered in puree and a Lego-embedded carpet to – weren’t around anymore. 

The rare times that I managed to drag my two little ones out of the flat and into their pram, we ended up wandering the streets aimlessly, trying to find a coffee shop that would accommodate a double-buggy and that wouldn’t passive-aggressively bring an early bill when a tantrum incurred. 

I knew I couldn’t go on letting loneliness consume me. As much as I told myself that I could do this on my own, that I didn’t need a new ‘village’, and that things might get better in time, I could feel my mental health deteriorating. I felt myself becoming quieter and more withdrawn. Ultimately, my loneliness was preventing me from being the best mother I could be. 

So how could I help myself? How can I help the many others who are in the same boat? What’s more, if you’ve just moved here and you’re busy unpacking and moving in, while settling your kids into a new home, nursery or school, where does one even find the time to meet people? 

I’ve thought of some convenient, local and accessible ways that have helped me, and might help you meet some friendly faces and find some much-needed support. 

Think Local
Find your local park, soft-play centre or church hall. Many church halls now are venues for children centres, such as LifeCare Centre in Stockbridge. Even if you can’t attend any of the classes taking place, these venues will have pamphlets, flyers and newsletters about what might be happening in your local area, from pram walks (try Edinburgh Buggy Walks) breastfeeding groups (La Leche League), ballet lessons (Angela Watson), baby yoga classes (Tatty Bumpkin) or rugby classes (Rugby Tots). Trust me, it’s a lot easier to read a quick flyer than doom-scrolling on Google. 

Soft-play centres are also a winner when it comes to meeting mums in a secure environment where your little ones can crawl around and explore safely. MotherSpace, MakeBelieve – The Baby Place, Little Plaza and Time Twisters all provide coffee for us sleep deprived parents. 

Here are some of the tried and tested play parks around the city centre that are gated and secure, plenty of green space for running around, with an array of slides and climbing frames – and benches for you:
•    Inverleith Park Playground
•    Meadows Play Park
•    Victoria Park Play Area 
•    King George V Park 
•    Princes Street Gardens Playground 
•    Leith Links Play Park

Apps & Virtual Connections 
Sick children, grey skies and no way you’re making it out this week? Try Peanut, it’s a fantastic app to meet a local community navigating fertility, pregnancy, motherhood or menopause. Bumble BFF is another app that helps adults meet friends through similar hobbies or being new to the city, all within your local area.  

A key one for me was my neighbourhood Whatsapp or Facebook Groups. These are crucial for local recommendations, from good flat whites or a new restaurant, to a local handyman or dogwalker. These groups are also a great way to sell or buy items you might be looking for in your new pad, and there’s always plenty of kids’ toys and books going around. 

School Gates & Nursery drop offs
Hang on in there. It took me a few months of very stiff small talk to start developing more of a conversation with the same faces I regularly and quickly saw. Soon enough, your child might be going on playdates, school trips and birthdays and you will naturally become more familiar with other parents. 
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Finally – find something that’s just for you. As crucial as mum friends are, celebrate your other interests. Find a yoga class, a writing group, a book club – a cheese and wine group. Something you can carve into the diary, were you can create a kid-free moment. I finally prioritised some of my pre-pregnancy interests and joined a writing group. It gave me back some of the creative energy I thought I’d lost. It allowed me some time to think on my own, which in a way invigorated my mind and gave me something to be proud of, as well as some sort of independence from my home-life. 

We all struggle with Mum-Guilt, especially now where there is an online mass culture of perfection. We’re living in the age of ‘Momfluencers’ battling under the pressure of achieving the perfect career, family and personal balance. However it is key to remember that your children need you to be the best Mum you can be to them, and that requires you carving out some you time, where you can re-set and not always be running on a dead battery. 

Settling in, moving homes and making friends takes time. It took me over a year to make good friends, the kind of friend you can call up on the hour to grab a coffee, or who can pitch up at your messy flat unannounced. My tiny babies are now two and three, and I am typing this from a writing group, at 7pm, while my husband is at home with the kids. I say this, because at the beginning of my move, I didn’t think this would be possible.

I am still learning ways to balance motherhood, friendship and my own sanity. One of the main lessons I have learnt though, is awareness. If you see a mum on her own, you can help her out just by acknowledging her, having a quick chat, helping her lift a buggy, opening a door, picking up the dummy on the floor or creating space at a coffee table. We all need to help each other. 

It takes time, but you will find your village. And Edinburgh is probably one of the best cities to find it in.

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Claudia Esnouf is a writer based in Stockbridge, and a proud, over-exhausted mum of two boys who are just 11 months apart. She is author of Walk Like A Girl, recently published with Sparsile Books.