Golden rules for a happier family life

by Heidi Scrimgeour

I’m just going to come right out and say this; establishing family rules
is one of the best-kept secrets of happy parenting.

That might sound crackers because it’s counterintuitive - rules don’t sound like fun, and many of us enter parenthood believing family life should tick blissfully along without the need for anything as dull or dogmatic as rules. But laying down some ground rules is the quickest route to a happier and more harmonious family life, and even beautifully compliant kids will benefit. 

Of course, most families already abide by rules of some kind. Whether you laminate them and stick them to the fridge door or muddle through adhering loosely to an invisible set of unwritten ones, rules usually emerge in most households. And they don’t just shape your family life - we know from neuroscience that a child’s early years are hugely significant in shaping later life, so it stands to reason that the rules your children grow up with at home are likely to influence them all the way through until they’re the ones making them for their own families. 

But if you’re anything like me, it can be all too easy to let the rules just sort of happen by accident. Yes, I instituted responsible, considered rules like ‘gentle hands’ and ‘kind words’ when my lads were toddlers, and a few too many impassioned squabbles between them led quickly to the ‘no biting’ rule - but in most other areas, I am woefully inconsistent about the rules. 

‘Absolutely no more TV before school!’ I declared in the car on the school run after one particularly fraught Monday morning. But a few days later the boys were miraculously ready for school half an hour early. Spotting the chance for a rare moment to enjoy a cup of tea, I sheepishly turned on the telly. As I slunk off with my cuppa my boys whispered conspiratorially about how I must have forgotten the ‘no TV’ rule.

So you’ll understand why we felt the need to overhaul the family rules when my youngest started school - it was a sort of coming-of-age opportunity to remind our lads that they’re big boys now (and big boys definitely do not bite) and to update the rules accordingly.
I thought I’d share what we learned…

Involve the children
No one likes having rules forced upon them, and unsurprisingly, children are much more likely to respect the family rules if they’ve been included in the process of setting them. 
My friend, Aisling, has a ten-year-old son and a one-year-old daughter. She advises explaining the reasoning behind the rules to children, to make it clear that they serve a real, practical purpose and aren’t just arbitrary enforcements designed to curb their fun. 

‘Lights out at 8pm is a strict rule in our house and I’ve explained to my son that it’s because our bodies need sleep so that they can heal and grow, and that enough sleep is important to give your mind a rest. If Josh understands why a rule is set, I find he’s happy to abide by it’, Aisling explains. 

Dos are better than don’ts
Positive rules - such as ‘do have good manners at the table’ - usually work better than negative ones like ‘don’t misbehave at mealtimes’. Kids find positive rules easier to understand and adhere to, and even if you end up repeating them endlessly, they make you sound much less like a fishwife. 

Michaela is mum to two little boys aged six months and two and a half. She has a positive family rule that helps reduce whinging; ‘Happy faces and happy voices are required - otherwise some alone time in our room is obviously needed. It works amazingly with our toddler, Oscar, and also with my husband.’

Rules need consequences
Of course, rules don’t really work without consequences. Some kids will happily comply with the rules in much the same way that adults are law-abiding citizens by nature, but others need a consequence to keep them on the straight and narrow and deter them from breaking the rules. 
My colleague, Liam advises instigating positive consequences for sticking to the rules instead of punishments for breaking them. A sticker chart or small treats can work well as incentive for younger children.

A simple reminder of the rules is sufficient for relatively minor rule breakers but for some more ‘serious’ offences, such as hitting siblings, I do recommend an appropriate punishment. When you set the rules discuss and explain the consequences, and how rewards and punishments will work. 

Be consistent 
Once established, the secret to making family rules work is the same as making good gravy; consistency. I’m rubbish at this - but once the family rules have been agreed, try writing them out (put the kids to work on this if they’re old enough and can write vaguely legibly) and display them somewhere prominent. You’re more likely to enforce them if they’re somewhere highly visible. My husband and I find that racking our brains to remember the rules in the middle of a heated conflict with the kids doesn’t really help us look as if we’re in charge.