How to handle the in-laws

by Heidi Scrimgeour

​Relations with your in-laws are never more important than when you become a parent. It’s no longer just about managing their expectations when it comes to your plans at Christmas, or trying your damnedest to persuade them that you are everything they ever dreamed their beloved offspring might find in a life-partner. No, once you have children, in-law relations become mission-critical; get it right, and at the very least you’ve got willing babysitters on tap for the next 18 years. Get it wrong, and you’ll be kicking yourself for pretty much that period of time. To spare you that, we asked around for the best in-law survival tips and here’s what we we got…

•  Don’t take it personally
A friend of mine tells a toe-curling tale of the time her mother-in-law waxed lyrical about the unrivalled parenting skills of her hubby’s ex-girlfriend. To listen to my friend’s MIL, you’d have sworn the ex was Mother Theresa herself which, as you can imagine, left my pal feeling a tad inadequate. It didn’t help that she was feeling less than accomplished in the parenting stakes at the time and suffering from the baby blues. But my friend’s attitude was brilliant; rather than assume her hubby’s mother was deliberately trying to belittle her, she gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed she meant no harm. She could be wrong, of course, but that strikes me as a fail-safe way to tackle tricky in-law interactions. Rather than waste energy worrying about why they’ve got it in for you and what you’ve done to disappoint them so, try assuming that your in-laws mean well. Yes, that could mean letting issues slide that you’d really be wholly justified in tackling but if they really have it in for you, console yourself with the fact that not appearing to notice will likely wind them up more than tackling their actions head on ever could. You win. Laugh in the face of unkind words (or move far away…) My friend Leanne tells a sobering tale. “My mother-in-law bought me a bed jacket when I first got married,” she says. “When my husband looked at her quizzically she said: ‘Well, you always marry such cold girls.’” Oof. Leanne’s advice for surviving the in-laws? “Move as far away as you can and limit all contact.” Alternatively, try laughing in the face of less-than-lovely comments from your in-laws. Easier said than done, sometimes, but experiences like Leanne’s can actually serve as fodder for a bank of secret in-law jokes between you and your other half, and there’s nothing like a private joke to unite you in the face of opposition.

•  Don’t forget you owe them
It’s easy for me to say this since I have certifiably the best imaginable in-laws in the world. (I really do, I’m not just saying that incase they read this.) But even if I didn’t, I like to think that I’d try to remind myself that overbearing in-laws are generally only so for one reason: because of how much they adore their offspring. Look, to put it frankly, you have your in-laws to thank for the wonderful being that you chose to shackle your life to until death does you part, after all. Would it kill you to let them bask in a little of that glory?

•  It ain’t about you
One friend still goes red in the face with anger when she recalls the time her mother in law came to visit and insisted on doing some washing to be helpful. “She washed my silk Agent Provocateur undies on a 60 degree wash and I still don’t think I’ve entirely forgiven her,” she says. “Actually, she’s my ex-mother-in-law now.” To those with truly overbearing in-laws, I offer this. If the barbs go beyond pointed to unashamedly hurtful and you’re sure you’re not being over-sensitive but are indeed a disappointment to your demanding in-laws, try to keep in mind that it’s not really about you. Those unkind sentiments are their issues, and chances are that not even Pollyanna herself could measure up to their standards. So quit trying - cut yourself some slack and instead of letting it get to you and mentally composing a million cutting replies to every insult or hurtful word, just be you without apology and trust that those hurtful words say more about the person uttering them than they do about you.

•  Appreciate the good ones 
It’s only in writing this that I’ve realised quite how fortunate I am to have utterly perfect in-laws. If you’re in the same boat, be sure to tell them how much you appreciate them. Oh, but even that doesn’t stop us having a few awkward in-law anecdotes up our sleeves, as my friend Sally testifies. “I love my MIL - we’re going on holiday with her this summer because she’s that wonderful to be with - but I’ve still never told her about that time she reached for a piece of my delicious homemade shortbread and chose the one with no sugar on it; the very one I’d been saving for our three year old because I’d licked the sugar off it in the kitchen earlier.”

•  Diffuse unsolicited advice
​Finding yourself on the receiving end of unsolicited advice from parents and in-laws is surely one of the toughest elements of in-law shenanigans. But instead of letting it rankle or trying to diffuse it by patiently explaining why health visitors no longer advocate a nip of brandy to help the baby sleep, try combatting it by asking your in-laws for advice. Heck, you don’t have to follow it but inviting comment from your in-laws can go a long way towards making them feel wanted and included in your lives, and it’s surprising how effective that can be in nipping unwanted advice in the bud. My friend Eleanor recommends this approach, and adds that letting unwanted advice trickle away like water off a duck’s back is a skill well worth learning in the interests of a happy family life. “I had my daughter by emergency c-section and my mother-in-law visited one day after I’d been up all night breastfeeding and was battling with the overwhelming emotions of my whole world having changed. While my husband was bathing our daughter she told me I was ‘lucky’ he would do things like that, as her husband never did. I had to just leave the room.” After all, you only have to pause to consider how much your baby means to you and just how very much you shudder at the thought of entrusting them into the hands or heart of someone you haven’t chosen or vetoed for yourself, to understand a little of what your in-laws might be going through. Which is where karma comes in, I do believe. Go easy on your in-laws and you have every right to expect that your offspring’s future partner might just do the same for you.